Parenting requires a great deal of time and energy. Having a healthy marriage is foundational for parenting in general, but even more so for foster parenting.
Couples should do careful self-assessment before becoming foster parents. Evaluate your communication and conflict management skills. Explore “hot spots,” issues that surface often when you argue or have a difference of opinion. Understand that introducing a foster child into the mix will use up emotional bandwidth. Identify the challenges you face in your marriage and work on correcting them. If necessary, engage a professional to help.
One more warning. Often one partner has the idea to launch into foster parenting. Before pursuing this decision, make sure that it is shared by both partners.
Identify your motivations. There are many reasons to foster or adopt a child. Is your motivation to help a child or family? Do you want to make a difference for a child/community? Do you feel you have something to offer children? A person may have different reasons for fostering, but as a couple you should be united in your goals.
Gather information. In the beginning, talk with foster care professionals and other foster parents about their experiences. Recognize that friends or family outside of foster care may share “stories” (good or bad) of things that they have heard or read without having details. The more accurate the information is, the easier you can plan to be proactive as a couple.
Decide how to prioritize your marriage. The best way to be in a position to help children is by taking care of yourself and your partner. When going through the approval process together, you learn about the children, the foster care system, and your responsibilities as foster parents. You will also learn about your own strengths and needs, along with your spouse’s needs. Have discussions with each other. Talk about your concerns and excitement to foster. Build on ways you can physically and emotionally support each other.
Build a support system. Support can come from family members, friends, community members, and your faith community. You need a diverse group of people to sustain you on the journey. Each support person may play a different role. You might have someone to help with practical matters, like providing baby-sitting or being an emergency contact if a child gets sick at school. Someone else might be able to pick up meals when you are busy taking children to appointments. Another person might be part of your self-care group – someone to go on walks with you or a person who can make you laugh when feeling stressed. Remember to use other professionals in the child’s life, such as teachers, counselors, and caseworkers.
